She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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