did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
