Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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