god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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