Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
