if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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