Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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