someone get that fucking seahorse.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize