New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize