life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
