What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
