i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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