I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
