you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
