And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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