I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
