my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
