Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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