Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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