Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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