if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
