The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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