why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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