At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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