You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
