ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
