She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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