My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
