I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
