I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
