all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
