i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
