walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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