I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
