No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Randomize
