the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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