he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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