im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
