god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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