I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
i out mim tonsoeep
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