I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
