I just saw a hot homeless man
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
