i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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