i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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