I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
