It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
