I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
