Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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