Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
