I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize