from now on my penis is your penis
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think my moral compass just broke
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
