dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
