Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize