We're facebook friends in real life
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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