Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
