i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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