Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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