Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
