Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
