I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
