She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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