either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
