genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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