bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
